I can’t fit into my favorite Paige jeans. Part of me does not care. The other part cares a whole lot. I have always been the person who puts on weight in the summer and loses it in the fall. Nothing much, a few pounds here, a few pounds there. Nothing a few weeks of calorie monitoring can’t fix. I think I need to put on the jeans to give myself a reality check.
Summer. Burgers, pizza, ice cream. Pies, cobblers, s’mores. Guacamole. Oh, how I love guacamole. And chips and salsa and sour cream.....Jeans. Back to the jeans. So I have gained a little weight. I don’t own a scale so I can’t say how much for sure but I am guessing ten pounds. My other favorites, my Seven jeans, still fit, snugly, but I just wore them to the fireworks this weekend. The Paige jeans are not so forgiving. So why have I gained this weight? Is it a good excuse to say that I am happy? I think it is.
For the first time in my life I am not overly self-conscious. I am finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. On the beach I would notice women in bikinis, much older than I am, and wonder how they do it. I have not ventured out in public in a bikini since before Grace was born. But I did this summer, in my own pool, string bikini and all and could not care less.
I want to be a woman who does not obsess over how I look, or rather how I think others see me. I don’t want that for my two daughters. But I have been that person. I have had countless “clothing crisis” trying to find just the right outfit to wear to a dinner party or to a play in the city. My bed and floor lined with my cast-offs that didn’t look just right. Now I am in a place where if the shoes don’t fit - they are listed on Freecycle. Friday I gave away a beautiful pair of Coach sandals in the original box with soles that were practically unmarked. I can’t wear them. But someone else can. If the pants don’t look right or I don’t like the way they feel, they are being sent to Goodwill. I want to be left with a closet of clothes that look good and feel good.
I feel I am at this place with my summer wardrobe. Since I am feeling a little bohemian with this new lifestyle of homeschooling, organic gardening, CSA joining and worm composting, I have purchased long flowy skirts that I love in bright vibrant colors. They feel good against my bare legs. I am moving away from tight tank tops and towards looser tunic tops with bangle bracelets. They not only feel great, but they hide the ten pounds nicely!
Greg does not mind the new curves. Like a perfect husband he said I was too “skinny” before. Oh how I love him. Oh, but the jeans. I love them too. I don’t want to banish them to the back of the closet. I adore them. But I think I love this feeling of self-acceptance and my husband more.